sometimes i wish youíd pull your head out of your ass
and think of others,
and possibly put yourself last
some people need to get their priorities straight
well, if you quit thereíd have to be another
who might not be worth the wait
why is it you always seem to have something more important to do
then augment yourself, you always fuck up
and wonder why i hate you.
you look so bored
and iím trying to make the worst
of a bitchin situation but itís only the first
whereís that guy going with my stapler?
When all else fails, sit down and bitch to a piece of paper!
It could have all been mine, i could feel so happy
Too bad i had to get a little jaded
Itís just a matter of time; now i feel so crappy....
Too bad i procrastinated!
Infatuation gets me everywhere i am
Wind up feeling fat and no one gives a damn
I know itís too late for you to like me;
Youíve found a better way to waste your time,
So why waste your time with me?
Iíll get a little edgy when someone mentions your name.
All your other boyfriends put me to shame
So i guess iíll just get out of your face...
And go back from whence i came.
i know this doesnít make a lot of sense
but when i first laid eyes on you i couldnít understand the circumstance
youíre a superstar, and iím not as cool as you
you- i know youíve never heard of me
but iíve had a crush on you ever since iíd been sixteen
tv screen is the barbed wire fence between you and me.
But i thought i could be possible, one day i could accidentally run into you
At your grocery store
Youíd drop the coco puffs; our eyes would meet and we would fall in love
But that will never happen because
I was at the movies checking out your feature film
And what i saw that night made my heart stop still
Bust into a million tiny bits, romeo was pressed against your lips
Iíll never be your romeo,
Youíve got leonardo dicaprio.
everything falls apart
donít believe in this
even though you donít know how i felt
donít believe in this
i donít believe in it myself
donít believe in this
go ahead believe in something else
donít believe in this
iíve been staring at the same thing on my bookshelf
for the past year
but youíre not here,
yet if you were, iíll bet youíd just disappear
after youíre gone
iíll still go on and on and on and on
donít believe in this
you donít look like you had a good time
donít believe in this
iím nine cents short of my last dime
donít believe in this
look in the toilet and youíll find my heart
donít believe in this because everything i touch just falls apart
iíll try to be frank; iíll try to be black
iíll try to keep it real, but itíll wind up whack
iíll try to be matt; iíll try to be kyle,
iíll try to impress you all of the while
iíll try to be plastic, iíll try to be fake,
but youíll still make me think iím making the big mistake
iíll try to be slick; iíll try to be sly
iíll try to be funkyfresh, iíll try to be fly
iíll try to be them, but unfortunately, iíd be wasting my time as iíd still resemble me.
I had a nice visit the drive wasnít so bad...
If everythingís cool with me, then how come iím so...........
Trip to the moon
I hear you but i canít see how wonderful you say itíll be
Blank eyes and vacant stares, iím uninspired to say i care
I hear you but i canít stay
Apologies to be repayed
Letís go to the moon together; i have some time, but i canít stay forever.
Close your eyes, turn your head.
You said you didnít want to be rude
But iíve got a shitty attitude
If iíd cut the crap, everyone would be a little happier
Yeah, i said iíd try, but then you ask me where iím going and i tell a boldfaced lie
Iím so ashamed of myself, i donít act like everybody else.
And i guess i see where youíre coming from
But i donít give a shit, and i probably wonít for years to come;
I know you all talk about me behind my back,
And if you think i care, then, i think i think youíre all on crack.
Donít bother to ask me when iím coming home, iíll be here forever.
According to Hoyle
and i guess the reason
i didnít get what i expected
was not because you couldnít tell a lie
i knew you could!
I never thought anything until now
And now i realize that iím the scum of the earth
As iím staring at the fuzzy screen,
It all comes clear to me!
In the end, itís what we try to bend,
It seems a waste with all the time i spend
But i guess iím still your indian
You were as true and sincere as you could be
But itíd be cool if you could be honest all the time;
Itíd be easier for me to choose when to believe you.
I told you everything i thought i needed to
And all that i could get from you was just a little thank you.
the straight edge march and fight song
youíre going down
turn that frown upside down
gonna kick your ass all over this town
you sellout- you sold out, bitch
you should have thought twice before you took that shit
i heard you turned your back on the straightedge soldiers
gonna rip your head right off of your shoulders
willpower lies in the eyes of the beholder
i guess chemical abuse
gets you in a bloody mess
and if iíd have to guess, i guess iíd have to say youíre a waste of flesh
hey, you were the only thing in my mind
but you got bored with me and left me behind
the deed you did was somewhat unkind
you got bored, you left me here with something to find
whyíve i got to waste all my time?
Once again, you probably thought i was just a friend
Well, now iíve got two less,
Itís good i didnít have to go today, i couldnít stand to see your face...
So much better than the best.
Last night i tried to speed into the median,
But the car in front of me kept me from speediní
Thereís only one thing in life that i am neediní
For this nasty cut, but you wonít give me the bandaid that might stop me from bleediní
All over the rug
I think i need a hug
Iíve come to find you were the only person in my mind
That i could tolerate
I watch "The Grind", i try to let it all unwind
Oh, but itís too late...
I canít concertrate.
Call Me Back
why donít you ever call me back?
Do you talk bad about me behind my back?
You always make me feel like crap.
Iím not sure what to say...
Maybe we need some space...
Well, if that was the case,
Then you probably couldíve told me that in the first place.
Iím not the first thing in your head
You probably wouldnít notice if i wound up dead
After trying to write a song about the way i feel
Often times iíll say Ďfuck thisí and go to bed
Cuz tomorrowís another crappy day
Things never go my way
You probably never liked me anyway...
staying up late with a sinus infection
if i fell asleep i wonder how much protection there would be.
Now i see why you never gave a shit about me
My nose is stuffed, and iím feeling feeble;
Iíll say as i please, because iíll never see these people again
But in the end, itís hard to try and find your real friends.
Staying up late with a sinus infection;
Look at the list-could i make a correction or two?
Well what the hell am i supposed to do?
My face is so hot, you could fry an egg on my forehead
My only concern right now is getting myself into bed
Cuz iím feeling like iím already dead.
And my nose hurts every time i blow it,
Iím walking on a very wire
No one seems to listen to a word i say,
But thatís okay, cuz my headís on fire.
only the best for danny romero
is a spare
i made a dare
iím gonna shave off all your hair
even so, you gotta deal with it, cuz lifeís not fair
somethingís floating through the air
it looks like a fleet
and the crowd just gathers to stop and stare
but i donít seem to care
cuz after lunch,
iím gonna recline and watch a little brady bunch
iíve got this thought
itís just a hunch
itís just a fucking suckerpunch
is the man
loop perhaps in his hand
donít you see?
Well, in that case, you must
And you must believe in me
Look more closely and you can tell
This thing is cursed and sent from hell
The object iím about to describe
The wretched horrors locked inside
Itís made of metal,
Shiny and new
And pleasing to the eye,
But donít let that fool you
This object curls to the left
Then it goes on and curls to the right
And back around itself and left again,
And then it ends.
This ĎScused thing
It has possessed him
And he is now itís slave...
The fool knave!
Ah...now, the half-hellish object vanishes.
The deed is done,
The battleís won.
Oh, but thatís what you said the last time!
goods and services
balloons, balloons, iíll see you soon
iíd like to drive away
if i could get my hands on a car
cuz i believe
iíd like to leave
but i donít think iíll get that far
this box, this box of lies--
what lies inside
could forever hide those knives
that cause these sharp-assed pains in my sides
TOM FOOLERY AND THE MISTAKESí DISTINCTIVE GIFTS SINCE 1958
(ctp005) (copyright 1998 except tubthumping and doin it our way)
Your best haircut ever
Ray charles smells a deal
Back to the oldschool
Out of my league
For your inflammation
Fuel to feed my fire for love
Dorf goes to dayton
Doiní it our way
i burned her house down
cuz she screwed me over
last chance to tell her how i feel!
I want to tell her where to go,
But the thought just makes me sweat...
Drank that juicebox just like iíve never drank a liquid before
Guess i was kind of thirsty
Sometimes i get so bored
With my record collection
I have to listen to my momís
Oh, jackson browne
Kim carnes, fleetwood mac
Peter, paul, and mary
Crosby, stills and nash
ray charles smells a deal
ray charles smells a deal, now...
this time itís got to be for real now...
it canít be fake.
Mr. Charles, thatís a real good nose you got
Thatís a real good deal
For goodnessí sake!
(He smells a deal)
in an underwater bowling league
i saw you, you always cheat...
you used an aqualung
and i tried so hard to win, but the other team still won
iíve been swimming in the ocean
iíve been talking to the sharks
they said Ďlove will never keep us together, it will only tear us apartí
i found out who got the prize
i got so ashamed
i wore a disguise
and iím gonna try to put it all behind me
even though i know iím bowling 90
i know a guy
heís about 64" high
everybody knows he likes to go to the punk rock shows and take us with him
on the way to the show
weíd all stick our heads out the window
weíd go fagginí
in the 1985 baby blue colt vista van/stationwagon
he has a thousand cdís
he listens to gbv
and he goes to ohio university
heís really peachy keane
he likes making zines
his name is josh bernstein
if you know what i mean.
out of my league
dare to see me smile
i guess iím not your style
iím not good enough to make your time worthwhile
thought i had a shot
well, then again, maybe not
off you go with him, and here i sit with what?
And i guess youíre out of my league
Way out of my reach,
Iíve been cut off in midspeech
What do you see in those guys?
What makes them so fly?
Is it too much to ask to wonder why?
what have i got to do?
what am i supposed to do
to get a girl as beautiful as you?
If i wore a no fear teeshirt would you like me too?
take me down like a christmas wreath
i feel you are a thief
cuz you stole my attention span right when she started seeing keith
kind of like a kick in the teeth
it knocks my dentia underneath
that old missed punchline
you think youíre funny but donít want to believe
you are no comedian, and i donít feel like laughiní
i still have feelings for you even though nothing happened
i donít get it; i must be dumb
iím standing outside your comedy club
for a ride to pick me up that will never come
iíd pick you these flowers
if i werenít such a coward
iím afraid iíd choke
yeah, well i guess itís now or
never get out of the shower
i donít know if iíll have the power
to laugh at all your jokes
and have the hiccups for an hour
so you think youíre funny?
Youíre a riot.
everybodyís doing it these days
come on everybody itís the latest craze
itís a trend
people get sucked in by their peers
how can you change your preference after 16 years
amaze your friends, feels supersonic
itís a fad these days
itís as cool as gin and tonic
youíre so lesbionic
you think itís so cool to claim to be gay!
fuel to feed my fire for love
i cheated on my pillow
it gave me a kink in my neck
i only got a wink of sleep...
oh that davenport hurts...it hurts like heck.
Itís not my fault that iím on the couch
Itís that slovak doctor that theyíre putting up in the house
Oh my aching back
It really hurt-a
Tomorrow night iíll be sleeping on my serta
I need a v8
To get my back straight
Better take some doanís
Before it gets too late
Cuz tomorrow night, iíll be sleeping on my serta,
And everything will be great
Ooo, i hate that slovak doctor, iíd like to call him a slovaktor and mumble mumble proctor...proctor-he was that gay guy on that police academy series who hung out at the blue oyster cafe...what a PERVERT, iíd break his ribs into tiny pieces and then kick his ass.....would you like a breathmint? What do you desire little boy????!!!! (i want to go home)
so i accomplished a whole lot of nothing today
so what, it went by so slowly...
counting the hairs on my arms,
i fell asleep at 3, 023.
seems iím in the sticks
whereas metropolis is on your side
but i wonít complain anymore from this point on
on that you can rely.
The rain has descended,
My heartís still not mended
What will i do after the back-to-back episodes of ĎMr. Belvedereí have ended?
writes the stanzas
have a happy kwanzaa
iím making plans
to change my plans
iím gonna watch "bonanza"
strike up the band
and watch the sand
slip through hourglassland
it kind of sucks
not holding your hand
it sucks youíre gone and
iím trying to please you
so tell me what you want me to do
and i just might make it through
just please donít be so cruel.
Iím just trying to keep my cool.
Iím going to the kwanzaa extravaganza all by myself
How am i doing so far?
Look at me! I can play the bass guitar!
Iím such a superstar!
since you told me
it wonít work out
i canít remember what we just talked about
oh...now i do.
Haste makes so much waste
Thereís quite a bit of blood in my toothpaste
I brush so hard everytime i think of you
Youíre the one who gave me this smile
And since you left, my smile hasnít been worthwhile
I guess you could say everything has turned to black
Without you here, i canít penetrate the plaque!
Iíve given up on aquafresh
And crest and colgate wonít do.
No dentrifrice can help me now
The only thing to restore my smile is you.
itís as weird enough as it is
jeez, iím acting as if
i were stuck in a city with nothing to do
and no one to do that with
what the hell are you doing here
donít you know itís such a delight
to see you at this hardcore show
after i saw you in my dream last night
at the supermarket
i was buying some groceries to fill my cart
i stared right your way
you wouldnít talk to me
you broke my fucking heart
i tried to write these lines before
but i donít think you understood
we could have had something there.
So i talk to you after the show
We have a total bullshit conversation
We talk about our futures, dreams, and our current occupations
And all of our friends are gone,
And youíre stuck here til the 21st
Maybe we could go someplace and play scrabble
Or would that be for the worst?
All i wanted was to play you at scrabble.
i could take a stride
when itís 100 degrees outside
i could work on my boat
in the sweltering heat while wearing an overcoat
i could run a marathon
with one too many articles of clothes on
itís getting hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter
and i think itís time we all got some water
from the c to the h to the u to the g
i need some water cuz iím thirsty you see
iím dying of thirst, iím dying of thirst
iíd better drink some water before the next verse.
(glug glug glug)
water is wet
is it wet?---you bet!
Water is clear,
But much more exciting than it appears.
Water is odorless and colorless
But it tastes so good
Just like the way you know it should!
i pulled into the drive through
if i eat i might not die
there is such a long line ahead of me
so i let out a sigh
when i make it to the speaker
everything seems worthwhile
i smile when she says ďwhat can i get for you?Ē
i want more than a number six meal from her,
i wonder what sheíd do if she only knew
i want to pour my heart into that supersized cup
i want to ask her out but iíd probably screw it up.
She turns my brain to mush when she speaks
I gave her too much change
Iím so in love, she probably thinks iím retarded
But she sure doesnít show it on her face
But sheís probably got better things to do,
So iíll get out of her face if thatís the case..
WHATíS THE DIFFERENCE?
HEADED FOR A LONELY SUMMER
(ctp 006) copyright 1999 (except do you believe in love)
Jennyís a bitch
Karaoke and you!
10x faster than the speed of mitch
do you believe in love?
Open to interpretation
Hot coffee by the copymachine
Bass for your face
If armageddon comes this new yearís eve, i want to spend it w/ you
Directions to funkytown
Spring is here again
After you get back from the movies
i guess i dropped the beaker
when you turned up the speaker
i spilled some on my sneaker
i can feel the future getting bleaker
i got some on my finger
and it kind of sucked like winger
it stung like a zinger
but i learned a thing or two
IíLL NEVER BE LAB PARTNERS WITH YOU AGAIN!
You simply donít know what youíre doing,
The acid ate right through my shoe
Jennyís a bitch
jennyís a bitch.
Whatís with jenny right now?
iím kind of short
and time is kind of tall
time and me
we donít get along at all
this beverage is too big
my cupholderís too small
i knew there was a problem but could not identify the flaw
i donít want to be king
iím just tired of not achieving anything
iíll take you to this room of trophyís that iíve never won
call me champ, tell me iím number one.
Iíve often come so close
But iíve always fallen short
I tried to drink a liter
But could only stomach a quart
Abort this place;
Theyíre tearing down my fort
So , iíll see you later or something of that sort.
i guess iím not myself today
i guess iím somebody else today
i guess iím me
but i donít know
who iím trying to be
but i guess youíre you today,
or maybe youíre not, okay...
i guess i donít know you well enough
but i wish i did and stuff
cuz you seem really cool
and i probably seem like a tool
but if iím not in real life, well, then
i guess i got you fooled.
open to interpretation
iím glad iím not that guy
but i could be if i tried
things could get weird twixt you and me!
If i say what i want to say,
Cuz itís open to interpretaion,
You could take this the wrong way!
I could get us in a sticky situation
You can take this anyway you want.
Look at your picture and feel renewed
Then i go to talk to you and i come unglued
Youíre going out with that other dude!
I wonder what youíd do
If i told you i havenít met anyone quite like you
No, wait...i know exactly what youíd do.
you got a closeup of his mug
the conversation was overheard
whatís it going to take to get you to sing, bird?
You saw who robbed the bank
You saw who stole the jewels
So be a good little pigeon
And get down off your stool
How long are you gonna last?
What is this bullshit all about?
Where are mugsy and his boys hiding out?
Try hard to remember, remember everything
If you want to keep all of your fingers,
Iím sure youíll remember how to sing....
last night i threw a party for myself
and i only invited me and i
thatís right we had a band play,
ate a lot of chex mix and triscuits
because iím such a winner of a guy
i am no ignoramus
iím 2x as cool as rick moranis
thatís why when weíre in public you should pretend
that you are my friend
if armageddon comes this new yearís eve, i want to spend it with you
so i saw this guy on the corner
he was wearing a sign
said the worldís gonna end this new yearís eve
that scenario popped into my mind
i donít care if i go to a party
the only thing i wanna do
if armageddon comes this new yearís eve i want to spend it w/ you.
Cuz all my friends would be flipping out
The world would be anarchy and
I want to do something with you
Donít know what you got planned
But i know i donít have to make a list of things in my life that i never got to do
I just want to spend the end of the world with you.
We donít need to make no new yearís resolutions, I
Just want to kiss you full on the mouth
As the clock strikes twelve
Then i can kiss my sorry ass goodbye
Weíre all gonna die, if all of this is true, i just want to spend the end of the world with you.
directions to funkytown
iíve never been to funkytown
but i know this guy named tony
he knows his way around
one time he bought a $2 leisure suit
and the only thing wrong with it was
it had a huge coffee stain on the thigh
iíve never been to funkytown
no, that ainít no baloney
i need a map to get around.
Cuz iím not as cool as tony
I canít believe i was thinking that way
Everything that girl turned out to say to me turned out to be a lie.
It only got me down.
i donít want to go, i donít want to go to new mexico
all there is to do is go to country bars and rodeos
i donít want to have to drive two hours just to see a show.
spring is here again
spring is here again
and iím ready to wear shorts, just tell me when!
Iím feeling fine, thanks for your concern.
I just got $400 back from my tax return
The weatherís nice, iím feeling fine.
These stupid people arenít even getting on these nerves of mine
Then i called you on the phone
I was doing good, until you reminded me
That youíve found someone, and i couldnít be any more alone.
Spring is here again,
iím marching to the beat of a different drummer, HEADED FOR A LONELY SUMMER
IF ARMAGEDDON COMES THIS NEW YEARS EVE, I WANT TO SPEND IT WITH YOU 7"
(ctp 007) copyright 1999
if armageddon comes this new yearís eve i want to spend it with you
THERE IS TOO MUCH DOING TO BE DONE TO BE DOING WHAT WE ARE DOING RIGHT NOW
(ctp 009) copyright 2000 except i want it that way and "surface (by the nad)"
(released as a split cd w/ the nad)
a little sumthiní for ya
the tom foolery and the mistakes theme song
beach blanket bingo
i want it that way
an old fashioned love song
why ya gotta be like that?
i can see into the future
or at least that it appears
in my head yeah i can see it
but itís not very clear
so if you want to know
kind of sort of how things will be
i can tell you what i see, peripheral visionary
i can sort of see the outcome
of what will happen next
and if i canít quite make it out i can always take a guess
itís got something to do with that guy that i cannot quite make out
who does something with somebody else who knows what this is all about
i can see you from the corner of my eye, youíre over there...
i could tell you your fate, but itís not polite to stare.
i never thought iíd meet someone who had
so much in common with me
i never thought iíd meet someone who could break my heart into this many pieces
now iím stuffing my face at the all you can eat buffet
try to forget about you
somehow hoping the pizza would make everything okay.
My friend jacob said iím a fonzie
But heís lying through his tooth
Guess iíd better ask the loveometer
Cuz sometimes machines will tell me the truth
I put the quarter in
I pulled the trigger
God itís times like these
When i need my selfesteem a little bigger.
With the push of a button, the lights start flashiní
Could this machine even detect a little trace of passion in my soul
Maybe so i just donít know
I guess iím gonna find out that iím no stud
My moment of truth came when the light stopped on a dud.
why ya gotta be like that?
and i almost fell down the stairs
when i went to let you in the door
now youíre sitting in all my chairs
iím still sitting on the floor
and i still donít know what i did
to make you act this way
tell me what the hell did i say?!
You know you almost broke my arm
When i went to get you some salt
Now i see weíre enemies
And apparently itís all my fault.
I stll donít know what i did
Or what got into you
Tell me what the hell did i do?!
What the hell did i do that was so bad?
What the hell did i do to make yo so mad?
Tell me, why ya gotta be like that?!
I FEEL MUCH BETTER SINCE I'VE GIVEN UP HOPE
THERE MIGHT BE SOMTHING STRONG WITH ME