Lyrics:
moustached madame
sometimes i wish you’d pull your head out of your ass
and think of others,
and possibly put yourself last
some people need to get their priorities straight
well, if you quit there’d have to be another
who might not be worth the wait
why is it you always seem to have something more important to do
then augment yourself, you always fuck up
and wonder why i hate you.
cottonball!
you look so bored
and i’m trying to make the worst
of a bitchin situation but it’s only the first
where’s that guy going with my stapler?
When all else fails, sit down and bitch to a piece of paper!
It could have all been mine, i could feel so happy
Too bad i had to get a little jaded
It’s just a matter of time; now i feel so crappy....
Too bad i procrastinated!
Infatuation gets me everywhere i am
Wind up feeling fat and no one gives a damn
I know it’s too late for you to like me;
You’ve found a better way to waste your time,
So why waste your time with me?
I’ll get a little edgy when someone mentions your name.
All your other boyfriends put me to shame
So i guess i’ll just get out of your face...
And go back from whence i came.
claire
claire,
i know this doesn’t make a lot of sense
but when i first laid eyes on you i couldn’t understand the circumstance
you’re a superstar, and i’m not as cool as you
you- i know you’ve never heard of me
but i’ve had a crush on you ever since i’d been sixteen
tv screen is the barbed wire fence between you and me.
But i thought i could be possible, one day i could accidentally run into you
At your grocery store
You’d drop the coco puffs; our eyes would meet and we would fall in love
But that will never happen because
I was at the movies checking out your feature film
And what i saw that night made my heart stop still
Bust into a million tiny bits, romeo was pressed against your lips
I’ll never be your romeo,
You’ve got leonardo dicaprio.
everything falls apart
don’t believe in this
even though you don’t know how i felt
don’t believe in this
i don’t believe in it myself
don’t believe in this
go ahead believe in something else
don’t believe in this
i’ve been staring at the same thing on my bookshelf
for the past year
but you’re not here,
yet if you were, i’ll bet you’d just disappear
after you’re gone
i’ll still go on and on and on and on
don’t believe in this
you don’t look like you had a good time
don’t believe in this
i’m nine cents short of my last dime
don’t believe in this
look in the toilet and you’ll find my heart
don’t believe in this because everything i touch just falls apart
(whistling)
i’ll try to be frank; i’ll try to be black
i’ll try to keep it real, but it’ll wind up whack
i’ll try to be matt; i’ll try to be kyle,
i’ll try to impress you all of the while
i’ll try to be plastic, i’ll try to be fake,
but you’ll still make me think i’m making the big mistake
i’ll try to be slick; i’ll try to be sly
i’ll try to be funkyfresh, i’ll try to be fly
i’ll try to be them, but unfortunately, i’d be wasting my time as i’d still resemble me.
I had a nice visit the drive wasn’t so bad...
If everything’s cool with me, then how come i’m so...........
Trip to the moon
I hear you but i can’t see how wonderful you say it’ll be
Blank eyes and vacant stares, i’m uninspired to say i care
I hear you but i can’t stay
Apologies to be repayed
Let’s go to the moon together; i have some time, but i can’t stay forever.
Close your eyes, turn your head.
Sagebrush Eyecare
You said you didn’t want to be rude
But i’ve got a shitty attitude
If i’d cut the crap, everyone would be a little happier
Yeah, i said i’d try, but then you ask me where i’m going and i tell a boldfaced lie
I’m so ashamed of myself, i don’t act like everybody else.
And i guess i see where you’re coming from
But i don’t give a shit, and i probably won’t for years to come;
I know you all talk about me behind my back,
And if you think i care, then, i think i think you’re all on crack.
Don’t bother to ask me when i’m coming home, i’ll be here forever.
According to Hoyle
and i guess the reason
i didn’t get what i expected
was not because you couldn’t tell a lie
i knew you could!
I never thought anything until now
And now i realize that i’m the scum of the earth
As i’m staring at the fuzzy screen,
It all comes clear to me!
In the end, it’s what we try to bend,
It seems a waste with all the time i spend
But i guess i’m still your indian
You were as true and sincere as you could be
But it’d be cool if you could be honest all the time;
It’d be easier for me to choose when to believe you.
I told you everything i thought i needed to
And all that i could get from you was just a little thank you.
the straight edge march and fight song
you’re going down
turn that frown upside down
gonna kick your ass all over this town
you sellout- you sold out, bitch
you should have thought twice before you took that shit
i heard you turned your back on the straightedge soldiers
gonna rip your head right off of your shoulders
willpower lies in the eyes of the beholder
i guess chemical abuse
gets you in a bloody mess
and if i’d have to guess, i guess i’d have to say you’re a waste of flesh
the grind
hey, you were the only thing in my mind
but you got bored with me and left me behind
the deed you did was somewhat unkind
you got bored, you left me here with something to find
why’ve i got to waste all my time?
Once again, you probably thought i was just a friend
Well, now i’ve got two less,
It’s good i didn’t have to go today, i couldn’t stand to see your face...
So much better than the best.
Last night i tried to speed into the median,
But the car in front of me kept me from speedin’
There’s only one thing in life that i am needin’
For this nasty cut, but you won’t give me the bandaid that might stop me from bleedin’
All over the rug
I think i need a hug
I’ve come to find you were the only person in my mind
That i could tolerate
I watch "The Grind", i try to let it all unwind
Oh, but it’s too late...
I can’t concertrate.
Call Me Back
why don’t you ever call me back?
Do you talk bad about me behind my back?
You always make me feel like crap.
I’m not sure what to say...
Maybe we need some space...
Well, if that was the case,
Then you probably could’ve told me that in the first place.
I’m not the first thing in your head
You probably wouldn’t notice if i wound up dead
After trying to write a song about the way i feel
Often times i’ll say ‘fuck this’ and go to bed
Cuz tomorrow’s another crappy day
That’s okay,
Things never go my way
You probably never liked me anyway...
sinus infection
staying up late with a sinus infection
if i fell asleep i wonder how much protection there would be.
Now i see why you never gave a shit about me
My nose is stuffed, and i’m feeling feeble;
I’ll say as i please, because i’ll never see these people again
But in the end, it’s hard to try and find your real friends.
Staying up late with a sinus infection;
Look at the list-could i make a correction or two?
Well what the hell am i supposed to do?
My face is so hot, you could fry an egg on my forehead
My only concern right now is getting myself into bed
Cuz i’m feeling like i’m already dead.
And my nose hurts every time i blow it,
I’m walking on a very wire
No one seems to listen to a word i say,
But that’s okay, cuz my head’s on fire.
only the best for danny romero
over there
is a spare
i made a dare
i’m gonna shave off all your hair
even so, you gotta deal with it, cuz life’s not fair
over there
something’s floating through the air
it looks like a fleet
of tupperware
and the crowd just gathers to stop and stare
but i don’t seem to care
cuz after lunch,
i’m gonna recline and watch a little brady bunch
i’ve got this thought
it’s just a hunch
it’s just a fucking suckerpunch
over there
is the man
loop perhaps in his hand
you idiot,
don’t you see?
Well, in that case, you must
Trust,
And you must believe in me
Look more closely and you can tell
This thing is cursed and sent from hell
The object i’m about to describe
The wretched horrors locked inside
It’s made of metal,
Shiny and new
And pleasing to the eye,
But don’t let that fool you
This object curls to the left
Then it goes on and curls to the right
And back around itself and left again,
And then it ends.
This ‘Scused thing
Is moving
It has possessed him
And he is now it’s slave...
The fool knave!
Ah...now, the half-hellish object vanishes.
The deed is done,
The battle’s won.
Oh, but that’s what you said the last time!
goods and services
balloons, balloons, i’ll see you soon
i’d like to drive away
if i could get my hands on a car
cuz i believe
i’d like to leave
but i don’t think i’ll get that far
this box, this box of lies--
what lies inside
could forever hide those knives
that cause these sharp-assed pains in my sides
good bye....
c 1997
TOM FOOLERY AND THE MISTAKES’ DISTINCTIVE GIFTS SINCE 1958
(ctp005) (copyright 1998 except tubthumping and doin it our way)
Your best haircut ever
Jackson browne
Ray charles smells a deal
Bowling 90
Back to the oldschool
Josh bernsstein
Out of my league
For your inflammation
Comedy club
Lesbionic
Fuel to feed my fire for love
Serta
Dorf goes to dayton
Metropolis
Distinctive gifts
Kwanzaa
Sockpower
Plaque
Scrabble
Tubthumping
Water
Drive through
Jif
Doin’ it our way
Lovesong
Cherry
jackson browne
i burned her house down
cuz she screwed me over
last chance to tell her how i feel!
I want to tell her where to go,
But the thought just makes me sweat...
You bet!
Drank that juicebox just like i’ve never drank a liquid before
Guess i was kind of thirsty
Sometimes i get so bored
With my record collection
I have to listen to my mom’s
Oh, jackson browne
Cat stevens
Kim carnes, fleetwood mac
Peter, paul, and mary
Crosby, stills and nash
GENESIS
ray charles smells a deal
ray charles smells a deal, now...
this time it’s got to be for real now...
it can’t be fake.
Mr. Charles, that’s a real good nose you got
That’s a real good deal
For goodness’ sake!
(He smells a deal)
bowling 90
in an underwater bowling league
i saw you, you always cheat...
you used an aqualung
and i tried so hard to win, but the other team still won
i’ve been swimming in the ocean
i’ve been talking to the sharks
they said ‘love will never keep us together, it will only tear us apart’
i found out who got the prize
i got so ashamed
i wore a disguise
and i’m gonna try to put it all behind me
even though i know i’m bowling 90
josh bernstein
i know a guy
he’s about 64" high
everybody knows he likes to go to the punk rock shows and take us with him
on the way to the show
we’d all stick our heads out the window
we’d go faggin’
in the 1985 baby blue colt vista van/stationwagon
he has a thousand cd’s
he listens to gbv
and he goes to ohio university
he’s really peachy keane
he likes making zines
his name is josh bernstein
if you know what i mean.
out of my league
dare to see me smile
i guess i’m not your style
i’m not good enough to make your time worthwhile
thought i had a shot
well, then again, maybe not
off you go with him, and here i sit with what?
And i guess you’re out of my league
Way out of my reach,
I’ve been cut off in midspeech
What do you see in those guys?
What makes them so fly?
Is it too much to ask to wonder why?
what have i got to do?
what am i supposed to do
to get a girl as beautiful as you?
If i wore a no fear teeshirt would you like me too?
comedy club
take me down like a christmas wreath
i feel you are a thief
cuz you stole my attention span right when she started seeing keith
kind of like a kick in the teeth
it knocks my dentia underneath
that old missed punchline
you think you’re funny but don’t want to believe
you are no comedian, and i don’t feel like laughin’
i still have feelings for you even though nothing happened
i don’t get it; i must be dumb
i’m standing outside your comedy club
for a ride to pick me up that will never come
i’d pick you these flowers
if i weren’t such a coward
i’m afraid i’d choke
yeah, well i guess it’s now or
never get out of the shower
i don’t know if i’ll have the power
to laugh at all your jokes
and have the hiccups for an hour
so you think you’re funny?
You’re a riot.
lesbionic
everybody’s doing it these days
come on everybody it’s the latest craze
it’s a trend
people get sucked in by their peers
how can you change your preference after 16 years
amaze your friends, feels supersonic
being lesbionic
it’s a fad these days
it’s as cool as gin and tonic
you’re so lesbionic
you think it’s so cool to claim to be gay!
fuel to feed my fire for love
i’m hungry.
serta
i cheated on my pillow
it gave me a kink in my neck
i only got a wink of sleep...
oh that davenport hurts...it hurts like heck.
It’s not my fault that i’m on the couch
It’s that slovak doctor that they’re putting up in the house
Oh my aching back
It really hurt-a
Tomorrow night i’ll be sleeping on my serta
I need a v8
To get my back straight
Better take some doan’s
Before it gets too late
Cuz tomorrow night, i’ll be sleeping on my serta,
And everything will be great
Ooo, i hate that slovak doctor, i’d like to call him a slovaktor and mumble mumble proctor...proctor-he was that gay guy on that police academy series who hung out at the blue oyster cafe...what a PERVERT, i’d break his ribs into tiny pieces and then kick his ass.....would you like a breathmint? What do you desire little boy????!!!! (i want to go home)
metropolis
so i accomplished a whole lot of nothing today
so what, it went by so slowly...
counting the hairs on my arms,
i fell asleep at 3, 023.
seems i’m in the sticks
whereas metropolis is on your side
but i won’t complain anymore from this point on
on that you can rely.
The rain has descended,
My heart’s still not mended
What will i do after the back-to-back episodes of ‘Mr. Belvedere’ have ended?
kwanzaa
tony danza
writes the stanzas
have a happy kwanzaa
i’m making plans
to change my plans
i’m gonna watch "bonanza"
strike up the band
and watch the sand
slip through hourglassland
it kind of sucks
not holding your hand
it sucks you’re gone and
i’m trying to please you
so tell me what you want me to do
and i just might make it through
just please don’t be so cruel.
I’m just trying to keep my cool.
I’m going to the kwanzaa extravaganza all by myself
How am i doing so far?
Look at me! I can play the bass guitar!
I’m such a superstar!
plaque
since you told me
it won’t work out
i can’t remember what we just talked about
oh...now i do.
Haste makes so much waste
There’s quite a bit of blood in my toothpaste
I brush so hard everytime i think of you
You’re the one who gave me this smile
And since you left, my smile hasn’t been worthwhile
I guess you could say everything has turned to black
Without you here, i can’t penetrate the plaque!
I’ve given up on aquafresh
And crest and colgate won’t do.
No dentrifrice can help me now
The only thing to restore my smile is you.
scrabble
it’s as weird enough as it is
jeez, i’m acting as if
i were stuck in a city with nothing to do
and no one to do that with
what the hell are you doing here
don’t you know it’s such a delight
to see you at this hardcore show
after i saw you in my dream last night
at the supermarket
i was buying some groceries to fill my cart
i stared right your way
you wouldn’t talk to me
you broke my fucking heart
i tried to write these lines before
but i don’t think you understood
we could have had something there.
So i talk to you after the show
We have a total bullshit conversation
We talk about our futures, dreams, and our current occupations
And all of our friends are gone,
And you’re stuck here til the 21st
Maybe we could go someplace and play scrabble
Or would that be for the worst?
All i wanted was to play you at scrabble.
water
i could take a stride
when it’s 100 degrees outside
i could work on my boat
in the sweltering heat while wearing an overcoat
i could run a marathon
with one too many articles of clothes on
it’s getting hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter
and i think it’s time we all got some water
from the c to the h to the u to the g
i need some water cuz i’m thirsty you see
i’m dying of thirst, i’m dying of thirst
i’d better drink some water before the next verse.
(glug glug glug)
water is wet
is it wet?---you bet!
Water is clear,
But much more exciting than it appears.
Water is odorless and colorless
But it tastes so good
Just like the way you know it should!
drive through
i pulled into the drive through
if i eat i might not die
there is such a long line ahead of me
so i let out a sigh
when i make it to the speaker
everything seems worthwhile
i smile when she says “what can i get for you?”
i want more than a number six meal from her,
i wonder what she’d do if she only knew
i want to pour my heart into that supersized cup
i want to ask her out but i’d probably screw it up.
She turns my brain to mush when she speaks
I gave her too much change
I’m so in love, she probably thinks i’m retarded
But she sure doesn’t show it on her face
But she’s probably got better things to do,
So i’ll get out of her face if that’s the case..
jif
jifskippyjifskippyjifskippyjifskippy
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?
Jifskippyjifskippyjifskippy
C 1998
HEADED FOR A LONELY SUMMER
(ctp 006) copyright 1999 (except do you believe in love)
Stealin stuff
Beaker
Jenny’s a bitch
Champ
Karaoke and you!
Mag
10x faster than the speed of mitch
do you believe in love?
Fooled
Screech’s lament
Open to interpretation
Stool pigeon
Rick moranis
Hot coffee by the copymachine
Bass for your face
If armageddon comes this new year’s eve, i want to spend it w/ you
Directions to funkytown
New mexico
Spring is here again
After you get back from the movies
Beaker
i guess i dropped the beaker
when you turned up the speaker
i spilled some on my sneaker
i can feel the future getting bleaker
i got some on my finger
and it kind of sucked like winger
it stung like a zinger
but i learned a thing or two
I’LL NEVER BE LAB PARTNERS WITH YOU AGAIN!
You simply don’t know what you’re doing,
The acid ate right through my shoe
It’s true.
Jenny’s a bitch
jenny’s a bitch.
What’s with jenny right now?
champ
i’m kind of short
and time is kind of tall
time and me
we don’t get along at all
this beverage is too big
my cupholder’s too small
i knew there was a problem but could not identify the flaw
i don’t want to be king
i’m just tired of not achieving anything
so come,
i’ll take you to this room of trophy’s that i’ve never won
call me champ, tell me i’m number one.
I’ve often come so close
But i’ve always fallen short
I tried to drink a liter
But could only stomach a quart
Abort this place;
They’re tearing down my fort
So , i’ll see you later or something of that sort.
Fooled
i guess i’m not myself today
i guess i’m somebody else today
i guess i’m me
but i don’t know
who i’m trying to be
but i guess you’re you today,
or maybe you’re not, okay...
i guess i don’t know you well enough
but i wish i did and stuff
cuz you seem really cool
and i probably seem like a tool
but if i’m not in real life, well, then
i guess i got you fooled.
open to interpretation
i’m glad i’m not that guy
but i could be if i tried
things could get weird twixt you and me!
If i say what i want to say,
Cuz it’s open to interpretaion,
You could take this the wrong way!
I could get us in a sticky situation
You can take this anyway you want.
Look at your picture and feel renewed
Then i go to talk to you and i come unglued
You’re going out with that other dude!
I wonder what you’d do
If i told you i haven’t met anyone quite like you
No, wait...i know exactly what you’d do.
stool pigeon
you got a closeup of his mug
the conversation was overheard
what’s it going to take to get you to sing, bird?
You saw who robbed the bank
You saw who stole the jewels
So be a good little pigeon
And get down off your stool
How long are you gonna last?
What is this bullshit all about?
Where are mugsy and his boys hiding out?
Try hard to remember, remember everything
If you want to keep all of your fingers,
I’m sure you’ll remember how to sing....
rick moranis
last night i threw a party for myself
and i only invited me and i
that’s right we had a band play,
ate a lot of chex mix and triscuits
because i’m such a winner of a guy
i am no ignoramus
i’m 2x as cool as rick moranis
that’s why when we’re in public you should pretend
that you are my friend
if armageddon comes this new year’s eve, i want to spend it with you
so i saw this guy on the corner
he was wearing a sign
said the world’s gonna end this new year’s eve
that scenario popped into my mind
i don’t care if i go to a party
the only thing i wanna do
if armageddon comes this new year’s eve i want to spend it w/ you.
Cuz all my friends would be flipping out
The world would be anarchy and
I want to do something with you
Don’t know what you got planned
But i know i don’t have to make a list of things in my life that i never got to do
I just want to spend the end of the world with you.
We don’t need to make no new year’s resolutions, I
Just want to kiss you full on the mouth
As the clock strikes twelve
Then i can kiss my sorry ass goodbye
We’re all gonna die, if all of this is true, i just want to spend the end of the world with you.
directions to funkytown
i’ve never been to funkytown
but i know this guy named tony
he knows his way around
one time he bought a $2 leisure suit
and the only thing wrong with it was
it had a huge coffee stain on the thigh
i’ve never been to funkytown
no, that ain’t no baloney
i need a map to get around.
Cuz i’m not as cool as tony
I can’t believe i was thinking that way
Everything that girl turned out to say to me turned out to be a lie.
It only got me down.
new mexico
i don’t want to go, i don’t want to go to new mexico
all there is to do is go to country bars and rodeos
i don’t want to have to drive two hours just to see a show.
spring is here again
spring is here again
and i’m ready to wear shorts, just tell me when!
I’m feeling fine, thanks for your concern.
I just got $400 back from my tax return
The weather’s nice, i’m feeling fine.
These stupid people aren’t even getting on these nerves of mine
Then i called you on the phone
I was doing good, until you reminded me
That you’ve found someone, and i couldn’t be any more alone.
Spring is here again,
i’m marching to the beat of a different drummer, HEADED FOR A LONELY SUMMER
c 1999
IF ARMAGEDDON COMES THIS NEW YEARS EVE, I WANT TO SPEND IT WITH YOU 7"
(ctp 007) copyright 1999
if armageddon comes this new year’s eve i want to spend it with you
beaker
drive through
THERE IS TOO MUCH DOING TO BE DONE TO BE DOING WHAT WE ARE DOING RIGHT NOW
(ctp 009) copyright 2000 except i want it that way and "surface (by the nad)"
(released as a split cd w/ the nad)
a little sumthin’ for ya
the tom foolery and the mistakes theme song
peripheral visionary
beach blanket bingo
i want it that way
an old fashioned love song
dud
why ya gotta be like that?
peripheral visionary
i can see into the future
or at least that it appears
in my head yeah i can see it
but it’s not very clear
so if you want to know
kind of sort of how things will be
i can tell you what i see, peripheral visionary
i can sort of see the outcome
of what will happen next
and if i can’t quite make it out i can always take a guess
it’s got something to do with that guy that i cannot quite make out
who does something with somebody else who knows what this is all about
i can see you from the corner of my eye, you’re over there...
i could tell you your fate, but it’s not polite to stare.
dud
i never thought i’d meet someone who had
so much in common with me
i never thought i’d meet someone who could break my heart into this many pieces
now i’m stuffing my face at the all you can eat buffet
try to forget about you
somehow hoping the pizza would make everything okay.
My friend jacob said i’m a fonzie
But he’s lying through his tooth
Guess i’d better ask the loveometer
Cuz sometimes machines will tell me the truth
I put the quarter in
I pulled the trigger
God it’s times like these
When i need my selfesteem a little bigger.
With the push of a button, the lights start flashin’
Could this machine even detect a little trace of passion in my soul
Maybe so i just don’t know
I guess i’m gonna find out that i’m no stud
My moment of truth came when the light stopped on a dud.
why ya gotta be like that?
and i almost fell down the stairs
when i went to let you in the door
now you’re sitting in all my chairs
i’m still sitting on the floor
and i still don’t know what i did
to make you act this way
tell me what the hell did i say?!
You know you almost broke my arm
When i went to get you some salt
Now i see we’re enemies
And apparently it’s all my fault.
I stll don’t know what i did
Or what got into you
Tell me what the hell did i do?!
What the hell did i do that was so bad?
What the hell did i do to make yo so mad?
Tell me, why ya gotta be like that?!
C 2000
I FEEL MUCH BETTER SINCE I'VE GIVEN UP HOPE
(2001)
THERE MIGHT BE SOMTHING STRONG WITH ME
(2002)