Lyrics:


moustached madame
sometimes i wish youíd pull your head out of your ass and think of others, and possibly put yourself last some people need to get their priorities straight well, if you quit thereíd have to be another who might not be worth the wait why is it you always seem to have something more important to do then augment yourself, you always fuck up and wonder why i hate you.

cottonball!
you look so bored and iím trying to make the worst of a bitchin situation but itís only the first whereís that guy going with my stapler? When all else fails, sit down and bitch to a piece of paper! It could have all been mine, i could feel so happy Too bad i had to get a little jaded Itís just a matter of time; now i feel so crappy.... Too bad i procrastinated! Infatuation gets me everywhere i am Wind up feeling fat and no one gives a damn I know itís too late for you to like me; Youíve found a better way to waste your time, So why waste your time with me? Iíll get a little edgy when someone mentions your name. All your other boyfriends put me to shame So i guess iíll just get out of your face... And go back from whence i came.

claire
claire, i know this doesnít make a lot of sense but when i first laid eyes on you i couldnít understand the circumstance youíre a superstar, and iím not as cool as you you- i know youíve never heard of me but iíve had a crush on you ever since iíd been sixteen tv screen is the barbed wire fence between you and me. But i thought i could be possible, one day i could accidentally run into you At your grocery store Youíd drop the coco puffs; our eyes would meet and we would fall in love But that will never happen because I was at the movies checking out your feature film And what i saw that night made my heart stop still Bust into a million tiny bits, romeo was pressed against your lips Iíll never be your romeo, Youíve got leonardo dicaprio.

everything falls apart
donít believe in this even though you donít know how i felt donít believe in this i donít believe in it myself donít believe in this go ahead believe in something else donít believe in this iíve been staring at the same thing on my bookshelf for the past year but youíre not here, yet if you were, iíll bet youíd just disappear after youíre gone iíll still go on and on and on and on donít believe in this you donít look like you had a good time donít believe in this iím nine cents short of my last dime donít believe in this look in the toilet and youíll find my heart donít believe in this because everything i touch just falls apart
(whistling)
iíll try to be frank; iíll try to be black iíll try to keep it real, but itíll wind up whack iíll try to be matt; iíll try to be kyle, iíll try to impress you all of the while iíll try to be plastic, iíll try to be fake, but youíll still make me think iím making the big mistake iíll try to be slick; iíll try to be sly iíll try to be funkyfresh, iíll try to be fly iíll try to be them, but unfortunately, iíd be wasting my time as iíd still resemble me. I had a nice visit the drive wasnít so bad... If everythingís cool with me, then how come iím so...........

Trip to the moon
I hear you but i canít see how wonderful you say itíll be Blank eyes and vacant stares, iím uninspired to say i care I hear you but i canít stay Apologies to be repayed Letís go to the moon together; i have some time, but i canít stay forever. Close your eyes, turn your head.

Sagebrush Eyecare
You said you didnít want to be rude But iíve got a shitty attitude If iíd cut the crap, everyone would be a little happier Yeah, i said iíd try, but then you ask me where iím going and i tell a boldfaced lie Iím so ashamed of myself, i donít act like everybody else. And i guess i see where youíre coming from But i donít give a shit, and i probably wonít for years to come; I know you all talk about me behind my back, And if you think i care, then, i think i think youíre all on crack. Donít bother to ask me when iím coming home, iíll be here forever.

According to Hoyle
and i guess the reason i didnít get what i expected was not because you couldnít tell a lie i knew you could! I never thought anything until now And now i realize that iím the scum of the earth As iím staring at the fuzzy screen, It all comes clear to me! In the end, itís what we try to bend, It seems a waste with all the time i spend But i guess iím still your indian You were as true and sincere as you could be But itíd be cool if you could be honest all the time; Itíd be easier for me to choose when to believe you. I told you everything i thought i needed to And all that i could get from you was just a little thank you.

the straight edge march and fight song
youíre going down turn that frown upside down gonna kick your ass all over this town you sellout- you sold out, bitch you should have thought twice before you took that shit i heard you turned your back on the straightedge soldiers gonna rip your head right off of your shoulders willpower lies in the eyes of the beholder i guess chemical abuse gets you in a bloody mess and if iíd have to guess, i guess iíd have to say youíre a waste of flesh

the grind
hey, you were the only thing in my mind but you got bored with me and left me behind the deed you did was somewhat unkind you got bored, you left me here with something to find whyíve i got to waste all my time? Once again, you probably thought i was just a friend Well, now iíve got two less, Itís good i didnít have to go today, i couldnít stand to see your face... So much better than the best. Last night i tried to speed into the median, But the car in front of me kept me from speediní Thereís only one thing in life that i am neediní For this nasty cut, but you wonít give me the bandaid that might stop me from bleediní All over the rug I think i need a hug Iíve come to find you were the only person in my mind That i could tolerate I watch "The Grind", i try to let it all unwind Oh, but itís too late... I canít concertrate.

Call Me Back
why donít you ever call me back? Do you talk bad about me behind my back? You always make me feel like crap. Iím not sure what to say... Maybe we need some space... Well, if that was the case, Then you probably couldíve told me that in the first place. Iím not the first thing in your head You probably wouldnít notice if i wound up dead After trying to write a song about the way i feel Often times iíll say Ďfuck thisí and go to bed Cuz tomorrowís another crappy day Thatís okay, Things never go my way You probably never liked me anyway...

sinus infection
staying up late with a sinus infection if i fell asleep i wonder how much protection there would be. Now i see why you never gave a shit about me My nose is stuffed, and iím feeling feeble; Iíll say as i please, because iíll never see these people again But in the end, itís hard to try and find your real friends. Staying up late with a sinus infection; Look at the list-could i make a correction or two? Well what the hell am i supposed to do? My face is so hot, you could fry an egg on my forehead My only concern right now is getting myself into bed Cuz iím feeling like iím already dead. And my nose hurts every time i blow it, Iím walking on a very wire No one seems to listen to a word i say, But thatís okay, cuz my headís on fire.

only the best for danny romero
over there is a spare i made a dare iím gonna shave off all your hair even so, you gotta deal with it, cuz lifeís not fair over there somethingís floating through the air it looks like a fleet of tupperware and the crowd just gathers to stop and stare but i donít seem to care cuz after lunch, iím gonna recline and watch a little brady bunch iíve got this thought itís just a hunch itís just a fucking suckerpunch over there is the man loop perhaps in his hand you idiot, donít you see? Well, in that case, you must Trust, And you must believe in me Look more closely and you can tell This thing is cursed and sent from hell The object iím about to describe The wretched horrors locked inside Itís made of metal, Shiny and new And pleasing to the eye, But donít let that fool you This object curls to the left Then it goes on and curls to the right And back around itself and left again, And then it ends. This ĎScused thing Is moving It has possessed him And he is now itís slave... The fool knave! Ah...now, the half-hellish object vanishes. The deed is done, The battleís won. Oh, but thatís what you said the last time!

goods and services
balloons, balloons, iíll see you soon iíd like to drive away if i could get my hands on a car cuz i believe iíd like to leave but i donít think iíll get that far this box, this box of lies-- what lies inside could forever hide those knives that cause these sharp-assed pains in my sides good bye....

c 1997



TOM FOOLERY AND THE MISTAKESí DISTINCTIVE GIFTS SINCE 1958
(ctp005) (copyright 1998 except tubthumping and doin it our way)

Your best haircut ever
Jackson browne
Ray charles smells a deal
Bowling 90
Back to the oldschool
Josh bernsstein
Out of my league
For your inflammation
Comedy club
Lesbionic
Fuel to feed my fire for love
Serta
Dorf goes to dayton
Metropolis
Distinctive gifts
Kwanzaa
Sockpower
Plaque
Scrabble
Tubthumping
Water
Drive through
Jif
Doiní it our way
Lovesong
Cherry




jackson browne
i burned her house down cuz she screwed me over last chance to tell her how i feel! I want to tell her where to go, But the thought just makes me sweat... You bet! Drank that juicebox just like iíve never drank a liquid before Guess i was kind of thirsty Sometimes i get so bored With my record collection I have to listen to my momís Oh, jackson browne Cat stevens Kim carnes, fleetwood mac Peter, paul, and mary Crosby, stills and nash GENESIS

ray charles smells a deal
ray charles smells a deal, now... this time itís got to be for real now... it canít be fake. Mr. Charles, thatís a real good nose you got Thatís a real good deal For goodnessí sake! (He smells a deal)

bowling 90
in an underwater bowling league i saw you, you always cheat... you used an aqualung and i tried so hard to win, but the other team still won iíve been swimming in the ocean iíve been talking to the sharks they said Ďlove will never keep us together, it will only tear us apartí i found out who got the prize i got so ashamed i wore a disguise and iím gonna try to put it all behind me even though i know iím bowling 90

josh bernstein
i know a guy heís about 64" high everybody knows he likes to go to the punk rock shows and take us with him on the way to the show weíd all stick our heads out the window weíd go fagginí in the 1985 baby blue colt vista van/stationwagon he has a thousand cdís he listens to gbv and he goes to ohio university heís really peachy keane he likes making zines his name is josh bernstein if you know what i mean.

out of my league
dare to see me smile i guess iím not your style iím not good enough to make your time worthwhile thought i had a shot well, then again, maybe not off you go with him, and here i sit with what? And i guess youíre out of my league Way out of my reach, Iíve been cut off in midspeech What do you see in those guys? What makes them so fly? Is it too much to ask to wonder why? what have i got to do? what am i supposed to do to get a girl as beautiful as you? If i wore a no fear teeshirt would you like me too?

comedy club
take me down like a christmas wreath i feel you are a thief cuz you stole my attention span right when she started seeing keith kind of like a kick in the teeth it knocks my dentia underneath that old missed punchline you think youíre funny but donít want to believe you are no comedian, and i donít feel like laughiní i still have feelings for you even though nothing happened i donít get it; i must be dumb iím standing outside your comedy club for a ride to pick me up that will never come iíd pick you these flowers if i werenít such a coward iím afraid iíd choke yeah, well i guess itís now or never get out of the shower i donít know if iíll have the power to laugh at all your jokes and have the hiccups for an hour so you think youíre funny? Youíre a riot.

lesbionic
everybodyís doing it these days come on everybody itís the latest craze itís a trend people get sucked in by their peers how can you change your preference after 16 years amaze your friends, feels supersonic being lesbionic itís a fad these days itís as cool as gin and tonic youíre so lesbionic you think itís so cool to claim to be gay!

fuel to feed my fire for love
iím hungry.

serta
i cheated on my pillow it gave me a kink in my neck i only got a wink of sleep... oh that davenport hurts...it hurts like heck. Itís not my fault that iím on the couch Itís that slovak doctor that theyíre putting up in the house Oh my aching back It really hurt-a Tomorrow night iíll be sleeping on my serta I need a v8 To get my back straight Better take some doanís Before it gets too late Cuz tomorrow night, iíll be sleeping on my serta, And everything will be great Ooo, i hate that slovak doctor, iíd like to call him a slovaktor and mumble mumble proctor...proctor-he was that gay guy on that police academy series who hung out at the blue oyster cafe...what a PERVERT, iíd break his ribs into tiny pieces and then kick his ass.....would you like a breathmint? What do you desire little boy????!!!! (i want to go home)

metropolis
so i accomplished a whole lot of nothing today so what, it went by so slowly... counting the hairs on my arms, i fell asleep at 3, 023. seems iím in the sticks whereas metropolis is on your side but i wonít complain anymore from this point on on that you can rely. The rain has descended, My heartís still not mended What will i do after the back-to-back episodes of ĎMr. Belvedereí have ended?

kwanzaa
tony danza writes the stanzas have a happy kwanzaa iím making plans to change my plans iím gonna watch "bonanza" strike up the band and watch the sand slip through hourglassland it kind of sucks not holding your hand it sucks youíre gone and iím trying to please you so tell me what you want me to do and i just might make it through just please donít be so cruel. Iím just trying to keep my cool. Iím going to the kwanzaa extravaganza all by myself How am i doing so far? Look at me! I can play the bass guitar! Iím such a superstar!


plaque
since you told me it wonít work out i canít remember what we just talked about oh...now i do. Haste makes so much waste Thereís quite a bit of blood in my toothpaste I brush so hard everytime i think of you Youíre the one who gave me this smile And since you left, my smile hasnít been worthwhile I guess you could say everything has turned to black Without you here, i canít penetrate the plaque! Iíve given up on aquafresh And crest and colgate wonít do. No dentrifrice can help me now The only thing to restore my smile is you.

scrabble
itís as weird enough as it is jeez, iím acting as if i were stuck in a city with nothing to do and no one to do that with what the hell are you doing here donít you know itís such a delight to see you at this hardcore show after i saw you in my dream last night at the supermarket i was buying some groceries to fill my cart i stared right your way you wouldnít talk to me you broke my fucking heart i tried to write these lines before but i donít think you understood we could have had something there. So i talk to you after the show We have a total bullshit conversation We talk about our futures, dreams, and our current occupations And all of our friends are gone, And youíre stuck here til the 21st Maybe we could go someplace and play scrabble Or would that be for the worst? All i wanted was to play you at scrabble.

water
i could take a stride when itís 100 degrees outside i could work on my boat in the sweltering heat while wearing an overcoat i could run a marathon with one too many articles of clothes on itís getting hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter and i think itís time we all got some water from the c to the h to the u to the g i need some water cuz iím thirsty you see iím dying of thirst, iím dying of thirst iíd better drink some water before the next verse. (glug glug glug) water is wet is it wet?---you bet! Water is clear, But much more exciting than it appears. Water is odorless and colorless But it tastes so good Just like the way you know it should!

drive through
i pulled into the drive through if i eat i might not die there is such a long line ahead of me so i let out a sigh when i make it to the speaker everything seems worthwhile i smile when she says ďwhat can i get for you?Ē i want more than a number six meal from her, i wonder what sheíd do if she only knew i want to pour my heart into that supersized cup i want to ask her out but iíd probably screw it up. She turns my brain to mush when she speaks I gave her too much change Iím so in love, she probably thinks iím retarded But she sure doesnít show it on her face But sheís probably got better things to do, So iíll get out of her face if thatís the case..

jif
jifskippyjifskippyjifskippyjifskippy
WHATíS THE DIFFERENCE?
Jifskippyjifskippyjifskippy

C 1998




HEADED FOR A LONELY SUMMER
(ctp 006) copyright 1999 (except do you believe in love)

Stealin stuff
Beaker
Jennyís a bitch
Champ
Karaoke and you!
Mag
10x faster than the speed of mitch
do you believe in love?
Fooled
Screechís lament
Open to interpretation
Stool pigeon
Rick moranis
Hot coffee by the copymachine
Bass for your face
If armageddon comes this new yearís eve, i want to spend it w/ you
Directions to funkytown
New mexico
Spring is here again
After you get back from the movies




Beaker
i guess i dropped the beaker when you turned up the speaker i spilled some on my sneaker i can feel the future getting bleaker i got some on my finger and it kind of sucked like winger it stung like a zinger but i learned a thing or two IíLL NEVER BE LAB PARTNERS WITH YOU AGAIN! You simply donít know what youíre doing, The acid ate right through my shoe Itís true.

Jennyís a bitch
jennyís a bitch. Whatís with jenny right now?

champ
iím kind of short and time is kind of tall time and me we donít get along at all this beverage is too big my cupholderís too small i knew there was a problem but could not identify the flaw i donít want to be king iím just tired of not achieving anything so come, iíll take you to this room of trophyís that iíve never won call me champ, tell me iím number one. Iíve often come so close But iíve always fallen short I tried to drink a liter But could only stomach a quart Abort this place; Theyíre tearing down my fort So , iíll see you later or something of that sort.

Fooled
i guess iím not myself today i guess iím somebody else today i guess iím me but i donít know who iím trying to be but i guess youíre you today, or maybe youíre not, okay... i guess i donít know you well enough but i wish i did and stuff cuz you seem really cool and i probably seem like a tool but if iím not in real life, well, then i guess i got you fooled.

open to interpretation
iím glad iím not that guy but i could be if i tried things could get weird twixt you and me! If i say what i want to say, Cuz itís open to interpretaion, You could take this the wrong way! I could get us in a sticky situation You can take this anyway you want. Look at your picture and feel renewed Then i go to talk to you and i come unglued Youíre going out with that other dude! I wonder what youíd do If i told you i havenít met anyone quite like you No, wait...i know exactly what youíd do.

stool pigeon
you got a closeup of his mug the conversation was overheard whatís it going to take to get you to sing, bird? You saw who robbed the bank You saw who stole the jewels So be a good little pigeon And get down off your stool How long are you gonna last? What is this bullshit all about? Where are mugsy and his boys hiding out? Try hard to remember, remember everything If you want to keep all of your fingers, Iím sure youíll remember how to sing....

rick moranis
last night i threw a party for myself and i only invited me and i thatís right we had a band play, ate a lot of chex mix and triscuits because iím such a winner of a guy i am no ignoramus iím 2x as cool as rick moranis thatís why when weíre in public you should pretend that you are my friend

if armageddon comes this new yearís eve, i want to spend it with you
so i saw this guy on the corner he was wearing a sign said the worldís gonna end this new yearís eve that scenario popped into my mind i donít care if i go to a party the only thing i wanna do if armageddon comes this new yearís eve i want to spend it w/ you. Cuz all my friends would be flipping out The world would be anarchy and I want to do something with you Donít know what you got planned But i know i donít have to make a list of things in my life that i never got to do I just want to spend the end of the world with you. We donít need to make no new yearís resolutions, I Just want to kiss you full on the mouth As the clock strikes twelve Then i can kiss my sorry ass goodbye Weíre all gonna die, if all of this is true, i just want to spend the end of the world with you.

directions to funkytown
iíve never been to funkytown but i know this guy named tony he knows his way around one time he bought a $2 leisure suit and the only thing wrong with it was it had a huge coffee stain on the thigh iíve never been to funkytown no, that ainít no baloney i need a map to get around. Cuz iím not as cool as tony I canít believe i was thinking that way Everything that girl turned out to say to me turned out to be a lie. It only got me down.

new mexico
i donít want to go, i donít want to go to new mexico all there is to do is go to country bars and rodeos i donít want to have to drive two hours just to see a show.

spring is here again
spring is here again and iím ready to wear shorts, just tell me when! Iím feeling fine, thanks for your concern. I just got $400 back from my tax return The weatherís nice, iím feeling fine. These stupid people arenít even getting on these nerves of mine Then i called you on the phone I was doing good, until you reminded me That youíve found someone, and i couldnít be any more alone. Spring is here again, iím marching to the beat of a different drummer, HEADED FOR A LONELY SUMMER

c 1999




IF ARMAGEDDON COMES THIS NEW YEARS EVE, I WANT TO SPEND IT WITH YOU 7"
(ctp 007) copyright 1999

if armageddon comes this new yearís eve i want to spend it with you
beaker
drive through




THERE IS TOO MUCH DOING TO BE DONE TO BE DOING WHAT WE ARE DOING RIGHT NOW
(ctp 009) copyright 2000 except i want it that way and "surface (by the nad)"
(released as a split cd w/ the nad)

a little sumthiní for ya
the tom foolery and the mistakes theme song
peripheral visionary
beach blanket bingo
i want it that way
an old fashioned love song
dud
why ya gotta be like that?




peripheral visionary
i can see into the future or at least that it appears in my head yeah i can see it but itís not very clear so if you want to know kind of sort of how things will be i can tell you what i see, peripheral visionary i can sort of see the outcome of what will happen next and if i canít quite make it out i can always take a guess itís got something to do with that guy that i cannot quite make out who does something with somebody else who knows what this is all about i can see you from the corner of my eye, youíre over there... i could tell you your fate, but itís not polite to stare.

dud
i never thought iíd meet someone who had so much in common with me i never thought iíd meet someone who could break my heart into this many pieces now iím stuffing my face at the all you can eat buffet try to forget about you somehow hoping the pizza would make everything okay. My friend jacob said iím a fonzie But heís lying through his tooth Guess iíd better ask the loveometer Cuz sometimes machines will tell me the truth I put the quarter in I pulled the trigger God itís times like these When i need my selfesteem a little bigger. With the push of a button, the lights start flashiní Could this machine even detect a little trace of passion in my soul Maybe so i just donít know I guess iím gonna find out that iím no stud My moment of truth came when the light stopped on a dud.

why ya gotta be like that?
and i almost fell down the stairs when i went to let you in the door now youíre sitting in all my chairs iím still sitting on the floor and i still donít know what i did to make you act this way tell me what the hell did i say?! You know you almost broke my arm When i went to get you some salt Now i see weíre enemies And apparently itís all my fault. I stll donít know what i did Or what got into you Tell me what the hell did i do?! What the hell did i do that was so bad? What the hell did i do to make yo so mad? Tell me, why ya gotta be like that?!

C 2000

I FEEL MUCH BETTER SINCE I'VE GIVEN UP HOPE
(2001)

THERE MIGHT BE SOMTHING STRONG WITH ME
(2002)